Over the last few days my brain has been trying to pound it's way out of my skull. The worse the headache is, the worse my coordination gets. (Including spelling on the computer. Let's not mention how many times I've misspelled words and gone back to correct them that I haven't had to normally do). And this sucks, big time.
It's making me less patient with the kiddos and my DH. It's also in general making me cranky.
This brings me to the point of today's post, when do you draw the line as far as reciprocated behavior? I know that if a young child acts out, as adults we should attempt to correct them. But with older children/pre-teens/teens how should the cycle of behavior be directed in a corrective direction?
My reason for pondering this is dealing with my pre-teen, S, behavior. Overall he's not a bad kid, he has good intentions (but we all know what road is paved with those). However when he misbehaves, it's rather concerning in the pattern. It's not like he's a maniac, but his behavior is a classic example of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Moreover, our reaction to his behavior is the same thing as well.
Because of his being dishonest with us, I've come to expect in part if it's anything major, that he's lying with us on some level. Now my expectation with this also has to do with my past, I was a very dishonest teen as well. Where is the line though to start to trust again? It feels like every time we say to him we're going to start over with a clean slate, he promptly turns around and tells us a bold faced lie. (Keeping in mind we are still doing the allowance system that I have previously talked about on here).
Today, when it came down to a couple of issues, complicated by the honesty issue, my DH and I had to come up with a middle ground to discus it with him. Now we have no proof that he was lying to us, but no proof that he was being honest either. So tonight, we're having a talk with him; however out of this talk there will be no punishments. I really want him to feel like he can always be open and honest with us, but this is two way street. Anything that directly effects him, I'm honest with him about. (Including his band trip next year, barring winning the lottery there's no way we can afford it).
Tonight will turn into another one of those nights where we start over with a clean slate. I just hope it last the rest of his life time.
(PS, if anyone has suggestions that we may not have tried, I'm willing to listen and apply them at this point).
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Shhhh Ma is counting
So, I was thinking how closely related knitting and parenthood are today. On the surface you may be thinking I'm crazy, but stick with me.
The basic. In parenthood you need to have the knowledge of your kids (or my case step-kids), basic needs. We need to make sure they don't starve, don't become dehydrated, have a roof over their heads, clothing on their body (this may be a battle of varying degrees dependent on age), an education, and anything else you and your husband deem as an essential to life. In knitting it's gauge (who wants to finish a sweater that could fit two of you in there), how to do the most basic of stitches (insert the knit 2, purl 2 jokes here), and how to cast off.
So on the basic levels it's not all that similar, but stick with me.
Both require a person to sometimes stick to a pattern, and other times be creative. Sometimes are plans go perfectly, and other times we have to think on our feet. I'll admit I would much rather stick to a written out pattern when knitting, but sometimes my yarn or needles just do not want to play along. So I have to make a choice, stick with the pattern as written, and be unhappy with the results; or do I make some modifications that may or may not turn out the way I hoped. With the kids, and I'll use school work as an example, we have to get creative with the way each one of them deals with it. T recently has made a major turn around and is really applying herself to her school work. S on the other hand, I think it would be easier to just say I give up. But that's not being fair to him or to us. So time to be creative. Yes, this is a new level of expectations for him this year, but in teaching him new time management techniques, and showing him that not taking responsibility for his actions results in loss of fun activities he wanted to do. (For example, the wrestling team. But he has been able to keep choir, jazz band, community service club, and most important to me, youth group). If we had just kept the pattern going with him, I'm not so sure I'd have any sanity left.
Love and patience. I love T and S, as any mother would. But as every mother in history has also felt there are times when my patience is worn thread bare. Every stitch I knit I knit with love. There are times when the stitches try my patience as well, and then it's off to tink, or to the frog pond. Kids can just go back and physically redo what has been done, but as parents we can sit down with them and find out what caused the behavior and talk to them about how they can change it.
And last but not least, relaxation. I knit to relax, plain and simple. If I've gone days upon days without knitting, I can feel my body starting to build up stress. And it all goes downhill from there, if I'm stressed my J (my husband) feels it and so do T and S. Believe it or not, I find being a step-parent sometimes can be just a relaxing. I've found new joy in things I used to do, seeing it through my kids eyes. The laughter of kids (even if they are a preteen and a teenager), is one of the most joyous sounds around. Sometimes the best memories can be taking a walk and just listening to the kids.
Before I started this journey I would have never guessed that what I've learned over the years from knitting I would be applying to my parenthood style.
The basic. In parenthood you need to have the knowledge of your kids (or my case step-kids), basic needs. We need to make sure they don't starve, don't become dehydrated, have a roof over their heads, clothing on their body (this may be a battle of varying degrees dependent on age), an education, and anything else you and your husband deem as an essential to life. In knitting it's gauge (who wants to finish a sweater that could fit two of you in there), how to do the most basic of stitches (insert the knit 2, purl 2 jokes here), and how to cast off.
So on the basic levels it's not all that similar, but stick with me.
Both require a person to sometimes stick to a pattern, and other times be creative. Sometimes are plans go perfectly, and other times we have to think on our feet. I'll admit I would much rather stick to a written out pattern when knitting, but sometimes my yarn or needles just do not want to play along. So I have to make a choice, stick with the pattern as written, and be unhappy with the results; or do I make some modifications that may or may not turn out the way I hoped. With the kids, and I'll use school work as an example, we have to get creative with the way each one of them deals with it. T recently has made a major turn around and is really applying herself to her school work. S on the other hand, I think it would be easier to just say I give up. But that's not being fair to him or to us. So time to be creative. Yes, this is a new level of expectations for him this year, but in teaching him new time management techniques, and showing him that not taking responsibility for his actions results in loss of fun activities he wanted to do. (For example, the wrestling team. But he has been able to keep choir, jazz band, community service club, and most important to me, youth group). If we had just kept the pattern going with him, I'm not so sure I'd have any sanity left.
Love and patience. I love T and S, as any mother would. But as every mother in history has also felt there are times when my patience is worn thread bare. Every stitch I knit I knit with love. There are times when the stitches try my patience as well, and then it's off to tink, or to the frog pond. Kids can just go back and physically redo what has been done, but as parents we can sit down with them and find out what caused the behavior and talk to them about how they can change it.
And last but not least, relaxation. I knit to relax, plain and simple. If I've gone days upon days without knitting, I can feel my body starting to build up stress. And it all goes downhill from there, if I'm stressed my J (my husband) feels it and so do T and S. Believe it or not, I find being a step-parent sometimes can be just a relaxing. I've found new joy in things I used to do, seeing it through my kids eyes. The laughter of kids (even if they are a preteen and a teenager), is one of the most joyous sounds around. Sometimes the best memories can be taking a walk and just listening to the kids.
Before I started this journey I would have never guessed that what I've learned over the years from knitting I would be applying to my parenthood style.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Ah, back to school... aka back to normal
So, school goes back tomorrow. I'm one excited Step-Mom. Well except for the fact we just got an email stating that S didn't do his Social Studies homework that was due prior to the break. But believe it or not, I'm not mad. I'm not even upset. He made a choice, and he needs to live with it. There will be consequences, but it's not worth also stressing myself out over.
A couple of months ago we started a new system of allowance with him. To help him learn responsibility as far as expectations we treat him as an "employee". We don't expect him to do everything around the house, or feel like home is a real job. But his "job" as a twelve year old is his school work. If we find out that he's missed an assignment he has one strike against him. S gets three strikes a week before we "fire" him. The only other thing he gets strikes for is lying to us.
So far it's a 50/50 for how this system is work, but it's worked better then anything else we've tried so far.
A couple of months ago we started a new system of allowance with him. To help him learn responsibility as far as expectations we treat him as an "employee". We don't expect him to do everything around the house, or feel like home is a real job. But his "job" as a twelve year old is his school work. If we find out that he's missed an assignment he has one strike against him. S gets three strikes a week before we "fire" him. The only other thing he gets strikes for is lying to us.
So far it's a 50/50 for how this system is work, but it's worked better then anything else we've tried so far.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Time to rethink the materialism of Christmas, and what my idea is...
Now that the holidays are over, I'll admit from Christmas Day it's not one of my favorite times of year. It might have to do with the fact I work in retail, and the fact I find that Christmas more and more is becoming more about commercialism and less about the real reason for the season. More and more I see people (myself included) worried about if they got the "right" gift for everyone.
This time last year I swore I was going to primarily make the gifts for this past Christmas, two out of sixteen people got something handmade from me in the end. It wasn't for lack of time, I had worked full time before and got more done. But being a Step-Mom and wife takes a lot of time, (not that I would trade it for anything in the world), and energy. Even if I were to start today I would need to do one and a quarter present every month to finish by December, and that's without doing any projects for myself or other people (I know of three new babies in the extended family within the next six months or so). That still doesn't sound relaxing to me.
So, I think for next year for those who are older we might do "experiences" rather then material gifts. I got this idea from my Step-sisters present to us this year. She bought us a package to get family pictures done, which was extra special after we discovered how expensive it would have been to do with our original plan to get them done. I know the kiddos, my husband, and would in the long run have better memories from say a day trip with the grandparents, rather then a consumable gift. (Don't get me wrong, I love the yarn I will be getting. And everyone else loved their gifts too). But memories with people we love are something that we can treasure long after the material possession are gone.
This time last year I swore I was going to primarily make the gifts for this past Christmas, two out of sixteen people got something handmade from me in the end. It wasn't for lack of time, I had worked full time before and got more done. But being a Step-Mom and wife takes a lot of time, (not that I would trade it for anything in the world), and energy. Even if I were to start today I would need to do one and a quarter present every month to finish by December, and that's without doing any projects for myself or other people (I know of three new babies in the extended family within the next six months or so). That still doesn't sound relaxing to me.
So, I think for next year for those who are older we might do "experiences" rather then material gifts. I got this idea from my Step-sisters present to us this year. She bought us a package to get family pictures done, which was extra special after we discovered how expensive it would have been to do with our original plan to get them done. I know the kiddos, my husband, and would in the long run have better memories from say a day trip with the grandparents, rather then a consumable gift. (Don't get me wrong, I love the yarn I will be getting. And everyone else loved their gifts too). But memories with people we love are something that we can treasure long after the material possession are gone.
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