Over the last few days my brain has been trying to pound it's way out of my skull. The worse the headache is, the worse my coordination gets. (Including spelling on the computer. Let's not mention how many times I've misspelled words and gone back to correct them that I haven't had to normally do). And this sucks, big time.
It's making me less patient with the kiddos and my DH. It's also in general making me cranky.
This brings me to the point of today's post, when do you draw the line as far as reciprocated behavior? I know that if a young child acts out, as adults we should attempt to correct them. But with older children/pre-teens/teens how should the cycle of behavior be directed in a corrective direction?
My reason for pondering this is dealing with my pre-teen, S, behavior. Overall he's not a bad kid, he has good intentions (but we all know what road is paved with those). However when he misbehaves, it's rather concerning in the pattern. It's not like he's a maniac, but his behavior is a classic example of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Moreover, our reaction to his behavior is the same thing as well.
Because of his being dishonest with us, I've come to expect in part if it's anything major, that he's lying with us on some level. Now my expectation with this also has to do with my past, I was a very dishonest teen as well. Where is the line though to start to trust again? It feels like every time we say to him we're going to start over with a clean slate, he promptly turns around and tells us a bold faced lie. (Keeping in mind we are still doing the allowance system that I have previously talked about on here).
Today, when it came down to a couple of issues, complicated by the honesty issue, my DH and I had to come up with a middle ground to discus it with him. Now we have no proof that he was lying to us, but no proof that he was being honest either. So tonight, we're having a talk with him; however out of this talk there will be no punishments. I really want him to feel like he can always be open and honest with us, but this is two way street. Anything that directly effects him, I'm honest with him about. (Including his band trip next year, barring winning the lottery there's no way we can afford it).
Tonight will turn into another one of those nights where we start over with a clean slate. I just hope it last the rest of his life time.
(PS, if anyone has suggestions that we may not have tried, I'm willing to listen and apply them at this point).
I hope you are feeling better soon! I also hope the talk went well tonight.
ReplyDeleteI know we don't know each other very well, so I am hesitant to give you advice on something this big (especially since I still only have little kids) but I thought I might share our approach in case it gives you some new thoughts (or helps confirm that your current approach is the right one for you guys). Our oldest, now 6, has been having trouble with lying in the last year. What we have done is talk to him about the immediate consequence of lying (whatever punishment he would have received for the misdeed is now worse because of the lying), and also the longer lasting consequence of breaking our trust. We talk to him about how a pattern of telling lies will hurt our ability to trust him. There have been a few times when I have put him in time out for something I was pretty sure he had done, but wasn't 100% sure about. He is always soooo upset when that happens, but I tell him very gently that I love him and want to be able to believe him but that his pattern of telling lies has taught me that I can't believe him and that since I am pretty sure he did whatever it was that I will have to punish him for it. We then pray that he will be a boy that tells the truth because he loves the truth, not just because it is the right thing to do. On the flip side, I try to catch any time he tells the truth when he is likely to get in trouble and really praise him in that moment. I don't know if he is outgrowing a developmental stage, or if his heart is changing, but I feel like he is not telling lies as often as he used to.
I may be getting this totally wrong, I see the value in starting over with a clean slate too, but my fear would be that he would hold your trust too lightly and not value it the way he should. Take everything I say with a huge grain of salt though, I am just stumbling through this parenting thing right now myself.